Tuesday, April 18, 2017
Tuesday, March 21, 2017
Wednesday, March 8, 2017
Friday, December 2, 2016
California condor and a spotted owl
It’s Friday…
A forest ranger sees a campfire burning in a no-camping area and goes to investigate. To his horror, he sees a man sitting by the fire, eating a bald eagle, roasted on an open spit. The ranger arrests him on the spot.
At the trial, the judge asks, "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?"
The defendant replies, "I do, your honor. But there are extenuating circumstances! Please let me explain myself."
The judge decides to allow it and the defendant launches into his tale of woe: "Well, you see, I got lost and I was wandering in circles for two weeks. I ran out of all the food I packed, and was so hungry. Next thing I see is a giant bird swooping down at the lake for some fish. I was hoping I could steal some fish from the eagle so I followed it down to the lake. So then I was trying to scare the eagle into dropping the fish, so I threw a rock at it. Unfortunately, my aim was off, and the rock hit the eagle right between the eyes, and he dropped dead. Well, you know, then I thought long and hard about what had happened, but figured that since it was dead already, I might as well eat it as it would be a shame for it to have died in vain."
The judge is moved by this harrowing account, and decides to dismiss all the charges. Before he adjourns the court, he leans across the bench and whispers, "If you don't mind my asking, what does a bald eagle taste like?"
The defendant, now a free man, replies: "Well, your honor, the flavor is basically a cross between a california condor and a spotted owl."
Thursday, September 15, 2016
Wednesday, September 14, 2016
Tuesday, August 30, 2016
24/7 security
I've disconnected my home alarm system, cancelled ADT, and de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch.
I've got two Pakistani flags raised in the front yard, one at each corner, and the black flag of ISIS in the center.
The local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7. I've never felt safer and I am saving $49.95 a month.
Tuesday, August 23, 2016
Saturday, August 6, 2016
Saturday, July 9, 2016
From the Inbox
Authored by 'Ray' via The Burning Platform blog,
- If plastic water bottles are okay, but plastic bags are banned, — you might live in a nation (state) that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.
- If you can get arrested for hunting or fishing without a license, but not for entering and remaining in the country illegally — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.
- If you have to get your parents’ permission to go on a field trip or to take an aspirin in school, but not to get an abortion — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.
- If you MUST show your identification to board an airplane, cash a check, buy liquor, or check out a library book and rent a video, but not to vote for who runs the government — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.
- If the government wants to prevent stable, law-abiding citizens from owning gun magazines that hold more than ten rounds, but gives twenty F-16 fighter jets to the crazy new leaders in Egypt — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.
- If, in the nation’s largest city, you can buy two 16-ounce sodas, but not one 24-ounce soda, because 24-ounces of a sugary drink might make you fat — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.
- If an 80-year-old woman who is confined to a wheelchair or a three-year-old girl can be strip-searched by the TSA at the airport, but a woman in a burka or a hijab is only subject to having her neck and head searched — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.
- If your government believes that the best way to eradicate trillions of dollars of debt is to spend trillions more — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.
- If a seven-year-old boy can be thrown out of school for saying his teacher is “cute” but hosting a sexual exploration or diversity class in grade school is perfectly acceptable — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.
- If hard work and success are met with higher taxes and more government regulation and intrusion while not working is rewarded with Food Stamps, WIC checks, Medicaid benefits, subsidized housing, and free cell phones — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.
- If you pay your mortgage faithfully, denying yourself the newest big-screen TV, while your neighbor buys iPhones, time shares, a wall-sized do-it-all plasma screen TV and new cars, and the government forgives his debt when he defaults on his mortgage — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.
- If being stripped of your Constitutional right to defend yourself makes you more “safe” according to the government — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.
THINK BEFORE YOU VOTE IN ALL UPCOMING ELECTIONS. MOST OF THE IDIOTS RUNNING THIS COUNTRY SAY ONE THING AND DO THE OPPOSITE KNOWING THAT THE PEOPLE WHO VOTED THEM IN DO NOT PAY ATTENTION LET’S SEE IF I GOT THIS RIGHT!!!
IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOR. IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY. IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU GET SHOT. IF YOU CROSS THE SAUDI ARABIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE JAILED. IF YOU CROSS THE CHINESE BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU MAY NEVER BE HEARD FROM AGAIN. IF YOU CROSS THE VENEZUELAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE BRANDED A SPY AND YOUR FATE WILL BE SEALED. IF YOU CROSS THE CUBAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE THROWN INTO POLITICAL PRISON TO ROT.
IF YOU CROSS THE U.S. BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET.... A JOB, A DRIVERS LICENSE, SOCIAL SECURITY CARD, WELFARE, FOOD STAMPS, CREDIT CARDS, SUBSIDIZED RENT OR A LOAN TO BUY A HOUSE, FREE EDUCATION, FREE HEALTH CARE, A LOBBYIST IN WASHINGTON BILLIONS OF DOLLARS WORTH OF PUBLIC DOCUMENTS PRINTED IN YOUR LANGUAGE THE RIGHT TO CARRY YOUR COUNTRY’S FLAG WHILE YOU PROTEST THAT YOU DON’T GET ENOUGH RESPECT AND, IN MANY INSTANCES, YOU CAN VOTE. I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE I HAD A FIRM GRASP ON THE SITUATION !!!
Saturday, July 2, 2016
Saturday, June 25, 2016
Tracking cows
Isn’t it amazing that, during the mad-cow epidemic. the US government was able to track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they also tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11-million illegal aliens wandering around the country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow…
Friday, June 24, 2016
Tuesday, May 10, 2016
Interesting diversion
I, I don't think anybody's continually happy, uh, except idiots, you know. You know, you have to have little moments of depression.
Rube Goldberg
I didn't write because in the corps I took mining engineering of all things and, you know, they, they graduate a mining engineer as a sort of an illiterate.
Rube Goldberg
Friday, May 6, 2016
Thursday, March 24, 2016
I like to feel blonde all over.
Marilyn Monroe
I know that it’s sexist but a smart blond joke for a change.
A blonde pulls up to the curb in a brand-new Ferrari Spider convertible outside a bank in Manhattan. She hands the keys to the valet and goes inside to speak with a loan officer.
She says she needs to borrow $5,000 for a business trip, but she's in a bit of a hurry, as she's leaving that afternoon.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of collateral for the loan, so the blonde offers the car her car, which is safely in the bank's garage by now thanks to the valet. She has the title in her purse, so the bank agrees to accept the car as security for the loan.
The bank's president and officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for putting up a $250,000 Ferrari against a mere $5,000 loan.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest and fees, which comes to $21.26.
The loan officer says, "Madam, we are very happy to have had your business, but we are a little puzzled. We checked you out and found that you are a woman of considerable means. Why would you even bother to borrow such a small amount of money?"
"Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $21 and expect it to be there when I return?"
It's great to be a blonde. With low expectations it's very easy to surprise people.
Pamela Anderson
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